Rarely, do I meet people who conjure up ideas of a woman being the abuser, and the man being the victim, or worse — her child(ren).
We know child abuse happens. There are far too many cases of children dying at the hands of those who brought them into this world.
But I think we tend to think of the man as being the aggressor.
I’m not interested in sexism. That is not my point.
I think that the relationship between a mother and her child, especially a mother and her daughter, has long been painted as a sacred relationship.
With good reason.
We know that an absent father can have devastating effects on a child. But with women often being painted as the nurturer, the emotional caregiver — an absent mother can be even more damaging to a child.
And despite everything that I’ve said above, there’s an even deeper double-standard.
If a child says they’re being abused, such allegations are (hopefully) taken pretty seriously. As they should be.
But if an adult says to someone, say, to a potential boyfriend or girlfriend, during a date, that they don’t have a healthy relationship with their parents — especially their mom — it’s listed as a flaw.
Friends always dole out advice like, “Watch how he treats his mother! That tells you a lot about him!”
But the problem with this idea is that people who were physically abused or emotionally abused, or those who suffered both, are forced to repress those memories and feelings, in order to be accepted.
The sad fact is, some mothers abuse their children.
Sometimes, it’s not physical.
The Narcissism Epidemic
Because of the Internet, and the way social media has drastically changed the way we interact with each other, there’s an entirely new body of work in psychology, that is interested in narcissism.
Narcissistic people often commit emotional abuse, and because no punches are ever actually thrown, and no blood or physical bruises are ever seen, friends and family members often ostracize the victims; far too many times, they are not believed.
And again, ideas of narcissism tend to revolve around abusive romantic relationships, and often focus on how men abuse their wives or girlfriends.
If you Google “escaping a narcissist,” you’re more likely to come up with tons of information about leaving an abusive partner, than you are about healing from abusive parents. Sadly, a lot of the times, the kids are caught in between.
Some narcissistic parents, especially mothers, will infantilize their children.
Despite being full-grown adults, they will treat their kids like they’re still immature and incapable. And through years of programming, their mom’s actual voice, then becomes their adult inner voice, and results in a victim being unable to make their own decisions. They are then forever, their mother’s children. Her voice will always be there during every decision, even when she’s not physically there.
That kind of programming stems from childhood, goes on for decades, and can create some of the most powerful unseen traumas in adults.
Victims are often gas-lighted, and they find themselves unable to trust their own judgment, even when it comes to what most view as menial daily chores. For example, choosing the brand of bread to buy, or the percentage of fat in their milk.
This might sound ludicrous, but years of abuse stemming from childhood, can lead to this kind of self-doubt, self-loathing, and unintentional self-sabotage.
If anything I’ve said so far has resonated with you then, I believe that you know exactly what I’m talking about.
What is new about this blog?
I don’t always plan the things I write. I’m blessed in a way where words flow freely through me once my fingers hit the keyboard.
Originally, I was going to tell you about the day I found the strength to walk away from my mom.
Those wounds are still too fresh, that situation is still all-too-present. Instead, I find myself explaining the very real psychology behind what finally motivated me towards the path of healing.
This blog isn’t new. If you’ve been following me for some time, this tone is probably not what you’re used to.
It’s not my intention to relaunch a blog centred around the toxic people in my life.
It’s not my intention to school you on narcissism or psychology.
It’s just that there are certain moments in my life that I consider pivotal. I can search my memory and point to a specific moment in time where I could say, “That was it. That’s when everything changed.”
Breaking up with my mom was one of those moments.
And it’s the first moment I wanted to share with you.
Hello, world. I’m Precious.
My name is Precious.
I’m the mother of three beautiful children.
I am the wife of a U.S. Army Veteran who suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Psychosis.
I also have bipolar disorder, complex PTSD and general anxiety disorder.
My step-dad recently died.
I grew up in a violent home and after we escaped, I spent the rest of my childhood and my formidable teen years with only my mom.
I also grew up in a cult (you’ll see how important “the church,” as I like to call it, plays into the abuse in my life).
My life has been a roller-coaster, especially the last decade alone.
Because of trauma, I tend to isolate myself and I don’t really tell people much about me.
I hold that false belief that my traumas don’t matter. That other people have it worse, and that my experiences aren’t important. (In the next few weeks, I’ll share some stories of my childhood that will explain this toxic inner voice I always carry.)
And it was only recently when I started to open up in private support groups that I realize how much my story resonates with people, and why it’s so important to remind people who isolate themselves like I do — because they’re afraid of being hurt — to remind them that they matter, their story matters, and that things do get better.
I know it is a little bit heavy for a first post but just to dip your feet into some of the concepts that I have introduced you to, I’m embedding a Facebook Watch video by Red Table Talk with one of my idols, Dr. Ramani Durvasula.
Discovering her body of work was a pivotal moment for me. It was her work on social media that really helped me recognize, label and then face the traumas that shaped who I am today.
And more importantly, to finally find the strength to begin healing.
I hope this video resonates with you as much as it resonated with me. And that you find it as helpful as I did.
Lastly, don’t get mad at me if you see Dr. Ramani all over this blog because I love her. I think her work saves lives.