The original video I posted from two weeks ago is below:
When I was in my late teens, there was a karaoke bar that I used to go to with my friends.
There was always this middle-aged guy who would be drunk way too early, and he would get up on stage and sing Wildflower by Skylark to me.
I never knew his name. He never asked me my name. We weren’t attracted to each other or anything. We never talked. But, right before I left, every time I went there, he would get up and sing me this song.
It was flattering and it also cracked me up.
After everything that’s happened recently, the song has come back to haunt me. There’s one particular line that’s on constant loop in my head.
The way she’s always paying for a debt she never owes.
Marrying young Continue reading “OK. So, I’m a little… er… a lot bitter…”
It’s been almost 2 months since I’ve posted anything meaningful.
A lot of it has to do with feeling detached and emotionally numb.
That’s not to say I don’t feel anything. I cycle through extreme joy, extreme sorrow and then extreme NOTHINGNESS.
Sometimes, I think that I feel so much that there’s a switch that my brain turns off for me. My physical body just isn’t allowing things to set in completely.
It’s very Vampire Diaries.
Spirit of Marilyn callin’ me, audibly
Bawlin’ she, said that she would never leave
Continued to torture me
Telling me to come with her
Underneath my comforter
And she brought a gun with her
Pills and some rum with her
Tip me on the balcony
Telling me to jump with her
Yeah I’m in the ghost but I ain’t doing stunts with her
I ain’t tryna be that
Haters wanna see that
But I got ’em aggy
‘Cause I win the gold like Gabby Continue reading “#GirlOnFire”
There’s something very awkward about having a public persona.
We live in a world where people Google you after you first meet. They make assumptions about you and know tidbits about your life that are most likely, way out of context.
The publicity was necessary. I wanted to make sure Jason didn’t go to prison.
There’s a lot of things that can’t be put on the record or the judge won’t allow it to be on the record. It was important to me that our story be told so Jason could get the help he needed.
I advocated so hard and so fiercely that it took a lot from me. Continue reading “Soul searching…”
Update from GoFundMe: Hi everyone!! I know it’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted an update. I didn’t feel up to sharing every single thought or event over the past month or so. (I know, what a surprise.) I thought I’d post an update sometime over the past few days but it was Memorial Day weekend and it didn’t seem appropriate since it’s a solemn celebration in honour of those who paid the ultimate price for us.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, Jason was moved up to Level 2 (see previous update). This meant he could FINALLY see the kids. But because of Mother’s Day and staff shortage, he wasn’t able to see the kids until last weekend. It was the first time Charles, Liberty and Alanna had seen him in 3 months.
I also spent a few hours with him during visitation on Saturday and for the first time, Jason and I had a serious talk about the future. It was a really difficult conversation.
He kept talking about re-enlisting after he got out of there. I know it’s not about me but it was very hard to listen to. He kept talking about wanting to go back to the army. Wanting to do more. Wanting to give more. That he had so much more to offer. He wanted to be medically fit enough to go back. I just didn’t really know what to say. Continue reading “UPDATE: Once a soldier, always a soldier…”
From GoFundMe: Gonna try and keep this short and sweet. 🙂
When Jason was admitted, he was admitted to the first available bed, which wasn’t the unit he was meant to stay in. We had set up all these medical appointments with the VA but unfortunately, he was moved and all the proper paperwork was not put through so, his medical appointments got postponed.
Anyway, he was finally properly assessed and cleared to go to his appointments on Friday. They decided to kill two birds with one stone and expedited him to Level 2 (since the forensic team was coming out to clear him to go to medical appointments, they decided to do the level 2 assessment, also). The paperwork isn’t written up yet but, we’re told he got the thumbs up.
Disclaimer: I’ve forgiven my dad. We talk now. I don’t write out of spite or resent. I write because I want to share my experiences with people. If you are going through any kind of trauma, you are not alone. It may seem like you are in the moment, but there are people who love you, and care for you, and are wiling to help you when you are ready.
I don’t have a lot of memories of my childhood. I remember the gist of things that happened but there are a handful of “vines” in my head: Six-second clips that constantly loop in my mind.
Trauma is funny that way.
I never intentionally suppressed my memories and yet, I have a hard time recalling a lot of things that happened.
My earliest memory is of me as a toddler.
I woke up in the middle of the afternoon and I couldn’t find my mom. Continue reading “Chapter 1: The Beginning”
From GoFundMe: If you haven’t heard by now, Jason was found Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity on two counts, a third one was dismissed. He was ordered to be hospitalized until doctors feel he’s safe for release into the community. The Toronto Star (http://bit.ly/2q420sv) and CityNews (see below) did a follow-up.
I’m confident he can start the process of transitioning back into the community sooner, rather than later. He’s doing really well on his meds.
In many ways, hospitalization is good news. But, it’s also terrible news because it means that The State could be in our lives for the next 10.5 years, and it means we’ll be apart for at least the next 6 months, as his first assessment likely won’t be until October. (The psychiatrist at the hearing said she felt it was important Jason be near his family and advocated for him to be moved closer to home. I’m glad we got that on the record but, I’m pessimistic that the State would be willing to lose jurisdiction over the case.)
I’ve always been critical of the fact that despite how sick Jason was, he was constantly taken back and forth between the hospital and jail. He spent 116 days in custody, most of that time in county lock-up. After the trial, he had to wait in jail for a bed at the hospital. Also, his thyroid issues have remained largely ignored — which could actually be fatal if left untreated. Continue reading “UPDATE: Jason is NOT GUILTY”
I wrote this on Aug. 1, 2016. It was published on my anonymous blog. I Tweeted it at Dr. Eric Hoskins. Of course, HE NEVER RESPONDED. This is VERBATIM. I haven’t changed this. This was a whole FOUR MONTHS before my husband went missing AGAIN and wound up getting arrested in Ohio. Continue reading “An open letter to the Ontario Minister of Health”